Carbonated Reading for the Masses

Alright, I’m going to talk about a most disturbing trend for a moment, well, as least it’s disturbing to me. Now the term “franchise” and more specifically “franchise characters” are relatively new terms but they are an old concept. James Fennimore Cooper’s Leatherstocking series and Mark Twain’s characters, Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn takes you further back as characters showing up in multiple books, and Dumas’s d’Artagnan, just to give you a few suggestions to show you this idea isn’t new.

Bringing this blog more into the now perspective, I’ve never read the Ender series, written by Orson Scott Card, because of conflicting views on religion, and I am sure there’s a plethora of crime mystery novels out there with the same character throughout it that I haven’t touched because I don’t normally read that genre. However, it seems like an author can only publish one character and several books, like they were a literary television series. And to me they aren’t a good literary television series, they started off great, but they need to end; all stories have an ending, even the Neverending Story had an ending. But like most businesses, you must milk the product for as much money as it is worth. A good case in point is the Harry Potter series when it comes to milking the money out, then again, it did end. (Knock on formica) Roger Zelazny’s Amber series had distinct abrupt finishes, even though there was the Corwin Chronicles and the Merlin Chronicles and short stories in between to fill in the gaps they seemed, to me at least, a satisfying end. Then you have another extreme with Douglas Adam’s Hitchhiker trilogy that contained six books and one short story, totally ambiguous, all over the map, and followed virtually no rules. I forgave it because I thought they were a really fun read. But nothing can forgive this:

I blame Louie, the schmuck in Interview with the Vampire. He was sad and morose and reluctant and practically a fucking sage at the end of that book. Vampires are not supposed to be touchy feely happy “I wanna do you” type creatures. They are monsters. The were “created” straight from folklore as the ultimate boogyman that cannot die, capable of insurmountable evil, chaos, and fear. They are leeches on mortal society, preying on their victims in their pursuit of blood, their only sustenance; vampires are NOT the perfect boyfriend for moody emo teenage girls! You live for hundreds of years there’s a good chance that you don’t care about love and sex anymore, they are just looking for a food source to harvest. They are manipulative monsters out for their own gain in control, plain and simple, they are not Robert Pattison! And by the way, Robert Pattison has the same acting ability as Ryan Phillipe or Michael Cera, they do one style and they do it badly. C’mon guys, some emotion please?! Romantic, dark fantasies, indeed…

So this finally brings me to Laurel K. Hamilton. Ah, Ms. Hamilton, reliving her past lovers in her writings and pursuing her dark fantasies as she kills them off in gruesome ways when they break up with her in real life, please dear, lets not be so fucking obvious with your bitterness when a man, or woman, grows tired of you, it happens and it’s human nature to wander and find a hot piece of ass. If the offer is there, they are going to take it sweetheart, which brings me to my next point, why is vampire porn mainstream literature; and I use the term “literature” loosely here. I understand that this series has fallen to the ways of the romance novel, but, darling, you write about a hunter who hunts vampires who had a vampire lover. Okay, so it’s Buffy. Ms. Hamilton, your first two or three books were decent, the rest is just bad porn. It makes me sick to my stomach that you, and others like your work, are professionally published and I am not. It really spells out the integrity of certain agents and publishing houses.

And while I named Buffy, I’ll leave on more point. Yes Angel was moody and supplied a good amount of angst, but it was a quick to answer concept in that multiverse as to why he was a goody goody vampire and boyfriend to a vampire hunter. Most vampires there have no soul, which is a good point; no soul equals virtually no morals, kind of like the old tale of being a witch. An old gypsy thought it would be just desserts to give Angelus his soul back and deal with all the sins that he created in his wake thusfar as a vampire. Hence WHY he’s needy goody goody nice, because he must. Too bad it has to spawn “True Blood,” “The Vampire Diaries,” and the Twilight debacle. Television and movies have, all in all, become such a waste when it comes to entertainment and the internet is in the same boat.

Speaking of numbing the mind, I’m going to go play videogames to make me feel young again, albeit, it’s an empty feeling of youth. Lets see if I can rant about something tomorrow.

Down with big oil; TTFN

H.R. Green, 28th of October, 2009, 11:02 a.m. Burtchville, MI

To Sober or not to Sober

I really need to find that fine line that divides being buzzed from alcohol and being smashed because I sure as frack don’t know where it lies. And everytime I would lament “Eh maybe I won’t drink this time because it always ends in disappointment,” I would get smashed again. At least I don’t do this every weekend, or every night, because, potentially I could. I get addicted to stuff in some of the weirdest ways and sadly I get addicted to people yet I’m not a people person; addiction towards only certain people, which is sad and somewhat creepy. But the drinking, well, it gets less glamorous every time, still, it happens, and I wind up with the room spinning when I try to sleep. Then again, I don’t get hangovers so I have some sort of immunity to sickness. Yet I get migraine headaches so there’s a trade-off.

All they have to do is bring really good tequila. Not the American processed Jose Cuervo junk, but imported straight from Mexico, the really smooth shit. I have this really bad feeling it’ll happen.

Now I normally have the willpower; usually I enjoy a nice cognac with a cigar and sit back for an hour or two to pontificate with friends. And it is more fun to watch other people get shit faced, you have no idea what fun could be had. I once bet a drunk five dollars that he couldn’t sit on the edge of a stool for thirty minutes. He proved me wrong, however was too drunk to understand that when you sit on the edge of a seat your junk falls asleep. It was totally worth the five dollars as we watched his reactions from, first, having his junk numb, and second, having his junk regain circulation. ZZZZZZZZ.

Now, second subject, gas is up to 2.79. Quit fucking raising the price because, honestly, I believe, whoever makes those decisions needs to be beaten repeatedly in their crotch until they understand they are making a mistake or get knocked out, whatever comes first. And to everyone else, we’ll have to stop driving around again if they have decided to double the price as it was last year, fuck them.

H.R. Green, 27th of October, 2009, 11:49 p.m. Burtchville, MI

I Need my Fix, But Not with a Pacifier

For those of you who are insane like me, please raise your hands. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Good, now, those of you not insane or crazy in any way, raise your hands. Okay, fine, I’m staring at you all because you’re bullshit artists. Okay, lemme make something clear as crystal here, no one on this rock is totally sane, okay? No one at all. Oh sure, I know we have some winners out in the world that can still make the world go “My God, did you do that just to say it could be done? You sick little monkey!” One thing that comes to mind is homosexual necrophilia. Not a very polite conversation topic around the water cooler, so, yes, it’s pretty fucking sick. Maybe your crutch is playing video games, either on the personal computer or on a platform or portable. Yes, it is less harmful on the surface, but believe me take the service away from some World of Warcraft players while they are about to make the big score and I assure you something is soon going to die. Animal, vegetable, or mineral; that I couldn’t tell you but be assured something is going to die a gruesome death. Hell hath no fury than the computer gamer who just lost their internet connection.

Everyone, even the nice old lady librarian has their addictions that they cannot get enough. Many people call them hobbies, but, damn it, when you are still collecting Magic cards up to your fifties it’s time to look at your lifestyle a little more seriously. Those who just cannot recognize that need to r-check, damn it! To my mind, even the clergy have on, and that’s the Almighty, so there’s no escaping this train of thought, we all have a vice, just some have a lot more than others and even fewer have one that’s damned dangerous. We lock those people up for a very long time in hopes that they might get better. I seriously doubt it, but I can hope.

Next on the docket, how old is too old when it comes to cradle robbing? Now lets just say that we all have common sense in understanding that eighteen is the age of consent and that we don’t ever delve younger. Please, sometimes we have laws for a reason. I am thinking this is a different strokes for different folks thing but I am very curious in seeing what peoples responses are to this subject. Personally I draw the line at sixteen years for one simple reason; that’s the difference between my parents, but damn it teen means teen to me and it still sounds like a kid and ninety-nine times out of one hundred, that’s definitely the case, from my own experiences.

Food for thought while my mind wanders like a fly looking for a bright light in a dark forest even though that same light will zap me out of existence for some reason I think I’ll still have fun.

Au revoir mon amis.

H.R. Green, 27th of October, 2009, 2:32 a.m. Burtchville, MI

Out On a Limb

I stand at the crossroads of right and wrong
Near the cliff of good and evil
Where the wind screams for forever
And you can’t but help smell the past
Destiny stares at me in three forms
As I feel the fates push me towards them
I feel peace from all three, but I still must choose
The spoiled inner child wants to choose them all
And the pessimist wants to leave them behind
The problem is I can’t start over now…I’ve only begun.

Now write, you mad fools, write out your hearts
Force time to stand still
Bend the universe to your whim
As I try to do now
And maybe…just maybe, it’ll come to me
Thirty-seven years and it may finally come to me
They may come to me, she may come to me, and they may.
Whether it long hair and smooth skin on her face
Or loneliness with an open space
I hoped to catch the conscience of the masses and forced them to sing!

Yeah, I get like this sometimes, sitting around being all reflective and shit and words just pop onto paper like this. I’m thinking about putting my introduction I have in a special edition version of Listen Like Fiends on one of my blogs just for S & G’s so you guys can clearly see where I’m coming from when it comes to muses. My muses never liked me the way I wanted them too and therefore I get bitter and angry whenever their likeness comes to mind. I guess that’s the point, but I wish once one of them would just give me the time of day instead of fucking around with my head because I hate being teased. That and I saw a movie I thought I had no business seeing and now I really feel like a dirty old man. “Dead puppies! Dead puppies! Dead puppies!”

I’ve been too happy as of late and I’m just waiting for the hammer to fall, that little moment that brings me back to reality and has the fates ask me, “What the hell were you thinking? You’re not allowed to be happy.” My books get bought regularly I would get happy but there are a few other things in my life right now that require immediate attention that either need to be made better or just get out of my way…and they know who they are.

I promise, the next blog will be more topical and less introspective. TTFN.

H.R. Green, 26th of October, 2009, 8:38 a.m. Burtchville, MI

Melodic Noise Being the Mother of Creation

“…so, if all of the sudden you hear Beethoven’s Fifth right after My Chemical Romance’s “Black Parade” and then hear Eminem’s “Loose Yourself” please don’t be alarmed. That’s just how my MP3 mix rolls.”

I’m normally just a rock and roll fan, but there’s a plethora of other bands and music genres I absolutely love listening to, such as other songs by one hit wonders to classical, then some rap (Only a scant few artists I’m afraid to say), to alternative, then heavy metal or hard rock, I bounce all over the map of music as there’s very little I cannot stand. (Coughs::Country music::cough-cough::) A lot of times whatever I write tends to be spawned from a melody, song, or musical note of some kind. It just sets the mood for me but makes it harder to put anything down on paper because my head tends to work more like a movie, but you cannot write short stories or books that way. But it sets tempo for me, it sets mood for the scene and in my opinion, it’s better when it’s done. Hopefully it’s better for the reader to deal with it. It also keeps me from crying my eyes out like a pussy; those damned acidic tears of mine!

I also get chronic cases of “I have this fucking song stuck in my head for three days now and I can’t get it out or make it leave!” syndrome. Nice that MP3 players exist nowadays so I can cure that ailment.

This is all I can think about today that I know I can safely put onto my blog. Sorry, without my books being bought and not having agents and publishers knock down my door I really don’t have an avenue for an interesting life right now, the weekend has been quite boring and I believe I’ve been too happy to lead onto a venomous rant. Just putting in an entry, because I didn’t yesterday, saying, “Hello everyone, I’m here and not dead.” Blogging is some hard shit to do, I knew that when I got coerced into starting one. Thinking of something fresh and new is a pain in the ass every day, it’s not for the weak willed.

Then again, no one reads it, so why am I worried.

To those who would care, I love you guys, to everyone else, until next time.

H.R. Green, 25th of October, 2009, 11:41 a.m. Burtchville, MI

Hey! I Was Reading That!

I try really hard not to talk about religion for the respect of other people’s point of view but every once in a great while a heretical fundamentalist comes along and pisses in my wheaties.

So I’ll just jump into the fire and brimstone. The picture of that suave, sophisticated man here is Pastor Mark Grizzard of the Amazing Grace Baptist Church of Canton, North Carolina, a suburb of Raleigh, and fourteen of his followers will be holding a old fashioned book burning on Halloween night; my, how festive these church goers are these days. So if anyone hasn’t heard by now, here’s a snippet of authors and books they plan to burn on this fortuitous night:

Billy Graham, Bruce Metzger, Westcott and Hort, Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, John McArthur, James Dobson, Charles Swindoll, John Piper, Chuck Colson, Tony Evans, Oral Roberts, Jimmy Swaggart, Mark Driskol, Franklin Graham, Bill Bright, Tim LaHaye, Paula White, T.D. Jakes, Benny Hinn, Joyce Myers, Brian McLaren, Lauren Schuller, Rob Bell, Erwin McManus, Donald Miller, Shane Claiborne, Brennan Manning, William Young, Mother Theresa and the Pope, himself, to name a few.

Also several different versions of the Bible will be burned, as they feel they are the works of the beelzebub, they have listed, but I’m sure have not limited to, the New International Version, the Revised Standard Version, the New King James Version, The Living Bible, the New American Standard Bible, the New English Bible, the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible, the American Standardized Version of the Bible, the New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures, The Evidence Bible, The Message Bible, the Green Bible, and the Good News for Modern Man are among the kindling they are choosing to use. If someone takes pictures I really hope some young children are dumb enough to roast weenies and marshmallows while the books burn. Hey, they’re cocky enough to also say they are serving barbecue (spelled bar-b-que) chicken, fried chicken, and all the sides, so it’s a regular book burnin’ southern barbecue picnic under the sky!

And also, the ever popular burning of music, and I quote, “We will also be burning Satan's music such as country , rap , rock , pop, heavy metal, western, soft and easy, southern gospel , contempory [sic] Christian , jazz, soul, oldies but goldies, etc.” See, I love the excetera put at the end of their statements, which they also have at the end of their bible and authors’ lists just so they can do on site determination. What’s fundalmentalists without doing things on the spur of the moment? However, they also had a statement to kind of do a CYA: “We are not burning Bibles written in other languages that are based on the TR. (True word, a.k.a. The King James Version, for those of you keeping score.) We are not burning the Wycliff, Tyndale, Geneva, or other translations that are based on the TR.” Gee, thanks for the clarification, folks. And lets go as far as to say they believe that all people who read and follow these texts are also heretical? I actually just guessing here, but I’m sure they’ll be burning Torahs, Korans, Books of Mormon, and other selected apocrypha not mentioned on their website. I am not the greatest theologian in the world but I think it’s safe to say that these Bible thumpers are not only not on the same page, they aren’t in the same book, street, city, zip code, state, nation or planet as I! Now, probably, the noted people who may have been informed, such as the Reverend Billy Graham, because this is happening in his home state of North Carolina, will just ignore the ignorance publicly, and they’ll have their book burning and barbecue cook out and then it’ll pass and be forgotten. By my mere mentioning in my blog about this mean I too am giving the ignorant too much press, and that’s the idea. They want the outrage, they want the attention, and they want the publicity, the whores that they are setting themselves up into being and nothing else. Do not take freedom of choice away because it is one of the principals that this country was founded on, look it up in the library after your done burning these books. You choose to be fanatical, we choose to tune up the paddy wagon for you, but then again, there’s a much more deeper and darker thought that comes to my mind as they are burning all these religious works.

Preacher Grizzard, you and your flock, when needlessly burning these texts of theological insight, reason, and inspiration will force you to overlook this one basic problem with your actions. Because they can be viewed by others as the word of the Almighty, or extensions they’re of or inspirations from it, you all in turn will be turning yourselves into extensions of the deeds of darkness. Yeah guys, in hindsight, your beliefs are actually doing satan’s work. However, what do I know, I am not a Theologian, therefore do not have a professional opinion on what’s going on. I just have my own opinion from what I see around me and put them down to print.

And by the way, I’m sure my barbecue ribs are much better!


H.R. Green, 23rd of October, 2009, 11:54 a.m. Burtchville, MI

Cost Cutting Measures That Hurt

There’s been a mad dash for states to create ways in curbing their budget deficit and Michigan just got low down and dirty.

Apparently, the Department of Human Services in the state of Michigan has a new computer system routed straight through Lansing and has an automated no tolerance policy with cases and if you never receive any mail regarding the department in obtaining certain information so you can keep your case open, like, if your children needs health insurance. If you aren’t fast enough, the system closes your case and you get nothing. Way to go, good ol’ state of mine, way to start fixing your money problems by using ignorance to prey on the ignorance of others; way to go to show Michiganders that you care! Personally, I think that bitch of a governor needs to leave office but that doesn’t mean we’ll get anyone that’s better. We’ll still have a high unemployment rate, high rate of taxes, overpriced oil, overtaxed tobacco and alcohol, a social services group who acts like the police whenever an anonymous person gets a bug up their ass about children they think are being neglected. (It’s almost happened to me once.) Yet, in the long run, Michigan is best because we have the fresh water and since the watershed is international water nationalization cannot do a fucking thing about it…legally.

But I’m slightly derailed on my train of thought. Allow me to get back on track.

How do other states think of ways to screw over their citizens? I would like to know from anyone out there to give me reasons why not to move to said states. I really am trying to find my utopia, somehow, someday, I’ll find it and maybe never get screwed over again.

H.R. Green, 22nd of October, 2009, 3:10 p.m. Burtchville, MI